Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Abridged Handbook on How To Classify Insanity

There are several types of crazy.

The first is bat-shit crazy. This type of person is someone you should NEVER become friends with. You should pretend you are deaf and walk away if one should ever approach you. Bat-shit crazy people will call you twenty times in the middle of the night asking you for money or to tell you about someone who is "after" her and come over crying to you with her latest drama. Bat-shit crazy people are the ones you see on the news, or yelling at cars from the side of the road. They may have started out in life just fine, but something or someone came along and royally screwed them up. Your inner Mother Theresa may beg you to love them, anyway, but stuff a sock in her mouth and throw her back in the closet. People like this are poison and are VERY contagious. Stay. The. Fuck. Away.

The second type of crazy is the good type of crazy. Goofball. When I met my best friend, Danielle, she had just smelled my then two-year-old son's head and looked around the room. "Whose kid is this? He smells good!" She then proceeded to sing into a cooking utensil. There was NO music playing. However, it didn't matter. Right then, I knew I had to be her friend. She had to be my friend. She was AWESOME!

The third type of crazy is the Dumbass. This crazy fool is the one you see getting a nutshot on America's Funnies Home Videos... On PURPOSE.
"Hey, Cletus, watch this!"
"Thud."
"Hahaha! Pull up the truck, we gotta get him stitched up again."
These are the ones who put Coca-Cola into their children's baby bottles and have forty cats.
You should generally avoid a Dumbass, as this can make other people label you as a Dumbass By Association.

***Edited to add:
I forgot to add "Bless Her Heart Crazy." That's the clueless, Golden Girls-era Betty White kind of crazy. Simple minded and 'touched.' This person is dumber than a kickstand on a tricycle. She doesn't mean any harm, she is just plain stupid, bless her heart. Being around her won't harm you, it will actually make you look even smarter and better.


What are other types of crazy?


No comments: