Bye Bye Love

I never thought this would happen, not in a million years. I never thought this would happen because I chose to pretend that my marriage was better than it was.

Everyone I knew, my whole family, saw how bad Nick was as a husband. He didn't like my family, he didn't treat me as an equal. He never confided in me and often stayed away in order to avoid me.
How's THAT for rejection?

So, on Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008, my bubble was burst. In hindsight, it wasn't really a big surprise. I saw my world crumbling around me, but tried so hard to remain hopeful that something would suddenly change.

I had just gotten out of the shower and heard the doorbell. I threw on Nick's robe and ran to answer the door. When I opened the door, there was a strange man who served me with divorce papers.

Divorce papers.

It hasn't even been a year since Kasey was taken from us. How could Nick even think about doing that? What made him decide to kill our marriage? Why NOW?

I am still waiting for my disability to be approved. I have zero income, zero savings. Nick has not allowed me to be on his bank account for years. As of this minute, he won't even give me gas money.

He says evil, cruel, mean things to me. Garrett and Kamrin see how Nick treats me and I think that knowing that they could learn from Nick breaks my heart. I don't want them to think that it is okay to treat ANYONE that way.

I'm devastated, sad, and broken. I've gone through too much too soon. Garrett and Kamrin both have had really bad times this past year and this is the last thing they need. Nick refuses marital counseling, and he doesn't even want to discuss anything emotional. He won't even try to keep Garrett's parents together. In my opinion, the fact that he refuses to even try shows me how selfish he is.

I think right now that his heart is cold and black. He treated me badly before Kasey passed away, but in the past two months, since he moved Garrett and I up here to TN, he's become a monster.

It is not fair. Many people make poor choices in their lives and have to live with the results. I have made great decisions in my life. I am a good person and do my best to treat others the way I want them to treat me. None of the problems I am having now have anything to do with the path I have chosen in life.

I did not choose to get MS.

I did not choose to lose my beautiful, sweet, crazy baby girl.

I did not choose to have my son see his broken sister lay dead across his lap.

I did not mistreat my husband, I tried my best to make him happy. I never even dreamed of cheating on him. I truly loved him and have never wanted to look at another man since I met him. I gave up my job, my home, and everything I'd ever known just to be with him.

Nick told me he doesn't love me. He said I disgust him. He said he can't stand the sound of my voice. He has repeatedly told me to leave.

All he wanted to do was move us up here so that he could divorce me and get custody of Garrett.
He denies this, says that he never intended for this to happen. How can I believe him, though? Nothing that he says anymore is believable and he's hurt me so deeply that I just can't forgive him.

Now he has to live with the choices he has made.

He chose to crush my heart, a heart that is already broken from losing our sweet Kasey.

He chose to deny marriage counseling.

He chose to break up Garrett and Kamrin's stable home.

Someday I will look back on our marriage and wonder why I ever stayed with him for so long. I might even wonder why I married him at all.

I will never stop loving him, but now it is time for me to love myself enough to let go and do what I need to do to survive. I have lived through much worse than this, and I will come out of this stronger and wiser. I will make sure that Garrett and Kamrin know that they are loved, safe, and stable.

My family is my strength now and I am forever grateful. I'm so devastated and weak, but my family and friends are rallying around me and will help me get back on my feet emotionally.

Someday someone will appreciate what a great person I am and will love me unconditionally. Until then, Kelly has to stay strong and take care of herself and let others help.

I love my friends and family and there are no words to express how grateful I am to know they are in my corner.

I think I have run out of things to say right now, but I have so much more to add later.

Not the greatest day ever...

I had gone to a counselor twice, but was not happy w/the service. I just felt like I got way better therapy from talking to you girls and my irl friends and blogging.

I'm still all kinds of screwed up, despite appearances. So, I made an appt. with a psychologist instead of a counselor.


I went today and all he did was go over my meds and I got my test results from a previous round of testing I had at the same office several months ago.
THEN at the end of the session, the dr. asked me, "So, do you plan on getting therapy or counseling?"
I looked at him and told him, "Uh, that is kinda why I am here.....?"

He told me that he only went over meds. That visit, which was horribly not necessary, cost $195 because my insurance refused to pay for that for some reason.



The test results from that testing I mentioned.... Suggested I possibly had a lesion in my frontal lobe which is interfering with my ability to remember shit or something. The MS... it eated mah brain.
The test was performed before the accident, but I just hadn't gotten around to getting the results until now. Oh, and my IQ is 124. That's good, it means I'm not a total


And one final note... Nick just left and he will be gone for about two weeks or more, we aren't sure of when he'll be able to come home again. I am not happy, but I go through him leaving like twice a month, so I'm used to it. It just sucks.

One step forward, three steps back.

First, the lighter stuff...


The more I get accomplished, the worse things look around here.

I've been decluttering, but I don't really think you can tell it. People don't normally look inside closets. At least, they better not.


I've been making it a point to systematically declutter this house. I cleared out under the main bathroom's sink, the linen closet, the playroom (which needs to have shelves hung so I can finish), and next will be Garrett's room. Ugh, just the thought of that makes me tired.

The sucksuck part of all of this is that despite the clutter cleanup, I still have to keep up with the everyday stuff. It is daunting, y'all. It really is. I'm much too lazy for this crap.


And now, the not-so-light stuff...

My mom, the lovely person that she is, decided to piss me off the other day.


She got Garrett all excited about going to see a movie with her, Joshua, and I.
We were supposed to go on Saturday, but something happened and Mom had to reschedule for Sunday afternoon.

Garrett was a little let down, but he instead began looking forward to going Sunday.

Well, I talked to mom at one p.m. on Sunday afternoon, when she got home from church. I told her the movie started at 4:20 pm and she was still gung-ho about it. We agreed that she would be here by 3:45pm and would ride w/us to the theater.


The whole time we waited, Garrett would ask what time it was and how much longer we had to wait. I'm tellin' y'all, he asked EVERY. FIVE. MINUTES.

Give a mama a break, son.


Ok, so 3:45 rolls around and the phone rings. I answered it before I looked at the caller ID and it was Mom. I asked where she was, and she nonchalantly replied that she was at home.

WHAT?!?!

I asked her why she was still home, and I could tell she was eating. She said, "Well, I had to feed my family."
I mentioned the fact that she had told Garrett and I that we were going out to the movies and asked her why she would do that to him.
"I don't have any money, " she replied.

I told her that I was going to pay for it.

She said she just wasn't going.

I was simmering by then and told her to tell Garrett that she had decided not to go and handed the phone to him.
OK, Garrett is six years old and just got stood up by his grandmother. Do you THINK he'd be polite and respectful? He had every right NOT to be, but he still had the innocent 'ma-ma, why aren't you coming' tone to his voice.
Mom then started accusing him of "Being Ugly." That's southern slang for mouthing off for those who don't know. She also asked him why don't we just come over there instead.
He said, "Ma-ma, I'm not being ugly. I don't want to come to your house, we are supposed to go to the movies."
Mom replied that he sounded like he was being ugly.
By then, I'm boiling.


I took the phone out of his hand and said that he wasn't "Being Ugly" and that I would take him to the movies myself, thankyouverymuch. I then hung up.

Fast forward to today.
Mom calls and starts chatting away like nothing ever happened. I stopped the bullshit by telling her, "Mom, I have to tell you, I'm still upset about yesterday."

She said, "I know."

"First, you flake out on us without warning and then you accuse him of talking smack to you?"


She insisted that he WAS using an inappropriate tone of voice to her and I cut her off. I said, "You STOOD HIM UP, and you expect him to be polite and kiss your ass?"

That's when she said she wasn't going to talk about that anymore and we hung up on each other.

Ok, if I didn't already have bad memories of Mom breaking promises to me when I was growing up, I wouldn't be so angry. Mom is a good person, but she does have her faults. She made LOTS of promises that she didn't keep and didn't seem to care about who she let down. You don't make promises to a child and not try your hardest to keep them.
Why didn't she just TELL US when she got home from church that she was too tired to go out again? Why did she let us wait, get his hopes up, and then act like it wasn't a big deal?

It was a very big deal to Garrett. He was excited about it and Mom got mad because he was unhappy about being stood up.

From now on, I'm going to do my best to make sure she doesn't invite him to anything or promise him anything. She has a history of not coming through and I don't want him to think that he can't count on her.


I don't know what I'm asking for. I just really want her to see that she hurt his feelings by flaking out on him. It isn't OK for her to do that to him. What do you think?

Have I Been Demoted?

I was once a mother of two.

Then, I was demoted.

I don't quite fit in where I used to. I have lots of sage advice for the mom who is having a second child, but I hold back because that would mean I'd have to bring up Kasey. When I bring her up, I instantly receive pity.

Sometimes, I *do* want pity. I need the hug. Other times, though, I want to feel normal again. I want to pretend that nothing happened so I can escape reality.

It is much harder to relate to people now. People don't know what to say, or are too afraid to say the wrong thing.


I want her back. I want my son to have a sister to fight with and tattletale on. I want my husband to be happy again. I want to be happy again.



Every now and then, please treat me like I was before the demotion. The demolition. The demon.

Every once in a while, call to check on me. Tell me a joke, because I need the smile. Tell me how you feel about what happened. Talk to me without worrying how I'll react. If what you say isn't welcome, don't worry. I'm unafraid to tell you to stop talking. I'm just afraid you won't talk.

The Epiphany of The Bad Gifter

I feel like ass.

I'm going to the doctor, as I am not sure exactly what is wrong with me.

So, feel sorry for me and give me loves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now, The Epiphany of The Bad Gifter.

I am the worst gifter in the world.
The massaging car seat cover? I bought that for you.
The ashtray that says "No Smoking." Yeah, that was me.

If I draw your name on Christmas, or if I am showing up for your birthday party, please learn the polite, "Wow, how nice" and the fake smile. You'll need it.



I never have a good idea what to get people. Frantically, I walk up and down the aisles of a department store and grasp for anything I can find. Costume jewelry? Fuzzy socks? Mysterious gadget?


Sure, but where do the batteries go?

So, I end up leaving with a gift I know you wouldn't like. I wrap it with my head hanging in shame. I know you won't like it, but it is all I have to offer.

BUT...

Last week (conveniently the week after Christmas, go figure), though, I had an epiphany.


The key to buying a good present is to PRETEND YOU ARE THE GIFTEE. (is that a word?) If you put yourself in the gift recipient's shoes and picture what they would actually want... you are more likely to get that person a GOOD GIFT.

No more Chia Pets.
No more giant remote controls.
No more joke presents.

If I have any doubt in my mind after this, you're getting a gift card.

Eat Grow Bitch

I was reading a popular blog about someone who was reading the book


and the blogger had posted a question that the book posed.

What is your word?

What one word describes you?

Considering all the bad things that have been happening lately, I was thinking of a depressing word. Like Survivor. Or Browbeaten.

I couldn't think of one, so for lack of better judgment, I decided to call my Mom


and ask her.

It took her a while to understand, but after explaining it to her, she gave me my word.

Precious.

Seriously, that really creeps me out. I guess it could be worse. She could have said ugly, unwanted, stinky, etc. She loves me.

On another note, I went to the eye doctor today and got my eyes dilated. I looked like I dropped acid or something, my pupils were huuuuge.


When you leave after having your pupils dilated, you are typically given those blind person glasses. You know the ones I'm talking about. I'm sure your grandmother had them to wear in the car. I looked like Willie Wonka in the TV room.


I rocked those shades.

*~*~*~*

What is YOUR word?

When Dumb Girls Go Bad

Last night, I was messing around on the computer and had my Yahoo! messenger on.

All of a sudden, I got a friend request from someone I had gone to high school with. Someone I had never talked to b/c our social classes were different... she was rich and blonde and preppy


and I was an art club/journalism nerd.


I was wondering why the hell she'd IMed me, and how she found me, and asked her. She apparently was bored and asked who I still talked to from high school. Um... I graduated in 1993 and seriously don't give a flying rat's ass about high school anymore.

She is single and has no children. She said she just got hooked up to the internet. I asked her, "What, do you live in a cave?"


She, we will call her "RWG" from now on (rich white girl) then told me she had just moved back into the area and that's why she is just now getting online. I asked where she'd been and was it for work. RWG said she had been to CA and FL and things didn't work out, so she had to come back home.

I asked her what she did for work, thinking that RWG, being rich and popular, would be a professional and that I would hate her.

RWG is a stripper.


With fake tits.


Oh, and did I mention, she's bisexual and thought I was cute in high school?


I told her thank you and that I'm very flattered, but I don't swing that way.


I have to admit, it was funny, and all nerds love to hear about preppies who turned out badly. Sure, my life isn't all wine and roses, but how would you feel if someone in a clique who shunned 'your kind' didn't end up being the doctor or lawyer or rich socialite you expected them to be? Instead, she was human, with human problems, who was apparently lonely enough to tell the intimate details of her life to someone she never gave a second glance.

I feel bad for RWG. At first, I was delighted by the fact that she had turned out to be every parent's nightmare. Then, I figured out that despite the money and the naturally blonde hair (which costs a lot of money to duplicate, I'm a hater), she was normal. What happened in her life that caused her to turn out the way she did?

I was a nerd and didn't feel good enough to be with people like RWG and her friends. In my school, nerds knew better than to talk to preps or jocks. It was like an unspoken rule. I was SO glad when I graduated so that I didn't have to be in those restricting social classes, I didn't have to be terrified of taking lunch because what if I didn't have anyone to eat lunch with? I never got invited to the parties that RWG attended.


The guys in RWG's clique never asked me out on dates and I knew better than to flirt with them because I knew I'd be rejected.

Has something like this ever happened to you? Have you ever run across someone from your school days who was way different than you expected them to be?
Did you turn out like you expected yourself to be?